


Life moves on but I am still

by animegeek



Series: Learn to live [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, M/M, stages of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-14 18:44:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1276879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animegeek/pseuds/animegeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life moves on but for one Kurt Hummel, life is just the daily mechanics that he goes through to convince people he is ok. See the snippets of Kurt Hummel's life as he is forced out of his apathy with the help of a familiar face</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter one  
Kurt heaved a sigh, troubled and melancholic. He was back at New York, in one of the cafés within the NYADA school waiting for Rachel to finish up her classes. She always manages to come late, probably because she just had to ask one more question to the teacher and Kurt please, if I want to be the best I will ask questions. Realizing that he was going into one of his "Rachel rants" as Santana dubs it he quits. He heaves another sigh, realizing that 2 months ago, that would be accurate. After Finn's death, Rachel wasn't the same anymore. Heck, he wasn't the same anymore. Rachel had been struck by the brutality of life and now she is carrying on with a grim determination. He, on the other hand, was in a daze. He never thought to prepare himself... He always thought he would never take anything for granted ever since his Mom's death and all the bullying but he was wrong. He slipped up. His head was far in the clouds and gravity brought him down.Finn... God the pain that sliced through him every time. He shoved that thought aside. He cannot cry. He has been doing that enough. One day he might be able to think of Finn and maybe he and Rachel will be able to laugh at the good times. But not today. Seeing Rachel finally getting out of class he waves at her and gets up.

"I won't offer you platitudes Hummel, you'll hear plenty. I'll just be here." Kurt stopped for a moment, confused. Why on earth did he suddenly think of what that person said? Rachel snapped her fingers in front of Kurt's face. "You ok?" She asks, concerned. He offers her a small smile. They walk home.


	2. Chapter 2

"So how was your class?" Santana asked as they all sat at the dinner table in their flat. It was Santana's turn to do the cooking and she had made spaghetti as opposed to take out.  
"Not bad" Rachel shrugged. "My dancing is shit but Cassandra made very little disparaging remarks"  
"Maybe that means you are getting better. I could give you some lessons from cheerleading"  
Santana being helpful again, Kurt mused to himself. She has been doing that lately. Not that Santana was not helpful it is just that her "helpfulness" came with barbed wires and scathing remarks. Now she is more open with less caustic words. Usually this would be a good thing. In light of the recent tragedy, it is just horrifying.  
"What about you Kurt?"  
He shrugged and muttered "great". His classes were doing ok, he was also getting to practise his vocal range and he gets to act on the stage. Yet, Kurt thought, it was not that it was not good but he started realizing that the passion that he once had for music was waning and in return his attention was driven more into fashion and writing. Writing, he had thought was a past time along with fashion but it stuck along with him and now it seems he is into it more than music. He had thought of blaming the recent family loss as the motivator but he is slowly realizing that this switch had started way before. He did not know what to do or who to talk to. Dad had spent a lot of money to get him into New York and NYADA so he'll be damned to disappoint him. He did not want to talk to Rachel and Santana about it. That will be like admitting defeat and he still had his pride. 

 

It was midnight when Kurt got up and sat at the balcony of the loft. "I'll just be here huh" Kurt muttered to himself. That sentence that brought him immense comfort came from an unlikely source, Sebastian Smythe. The cocky, self-absorbed Meerkat of a Warbler had been there for Finn's funeral and had stayed without uttering any apologies, platitudes and comments. He just stood there, a steady presence. He somehow knew that that was what Kurt needed. Right now, Kurt thought as he gazed at the night sky of New York I wonder what he is doing.

 

"We all have lost somebody today. A teacher, a student, a friend, a love. I lost a family. I lost a brother" - Kurt Hummel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an alternate story of Glee. I have only taken some themes from the actual episodes. It sort of follows after "The Quarterback" episode. This is my take on what should have happened after that episode


	3. Chapter 3

"Write down the actual measurements for god sakes and have the article critical and expressive. Where are the documents on the latest look at the runaway Lisa?.. KURT!" Isabelle yelled.  
Kurt rushed in, grabbing Lisa's documents on the way and said "I have already reviewed the other articles that you gave me and the interview with one of the fashion designers is already on its way Isabelle."  
"Good, then you can help me"  
This was the fashion world during rush week, or fashion week or rather every week. Why does he love this work again?

 

Kurt dragged himself to the nearest cafe. Whoever said that fashion magazines have it easiest clearly has no clue as to what he is talking about. The assignments aside, it is always the deadlines that is the worst and Vogue was no better. Each employee was given at least multiple tasks and time pressed deadlines. For an intern working directly under the head herself and also happens to be working part time, life just got supremely dizzying. After getting his coffee, Kurt decided to sit down and enjoy his coffee for five minutes before dragging himself back to the apartment. Homework and work can wait.  
"I would like a brownie and a coffee to go please" Kurt heard a familiar voice saying. He opened his eyes and there stood a tall, brow haired freckled warbler.  
"Sebastian" Kurt called out surprised.  
Sebastian, hearing his name turned around and his eyes widened in recognition before smiling that familiar smirk "hello there Kurt Hummel"  
Kurt resisted the urge to scream. Why was this his life again?

 

"Finn had always told me that he wanted to make a difference in this world. Looking at all of you, I can confidently say that he did. Finn made a difference. I only wish I had the chance to tell him that". - Kurt Hummel


	4. Chapter 4

Kurt could only stare at his ex-nemesis as they were sitting at a cafe. Kurt was tempted to just run away, far away from him. Seeing Sebastian again was little like remembering his life at Lima, memories that he did not want to relive. But then again, Kurt had pride. After his impromptu call, Sebastian made his way to Kurt's table and without so much as a by your leave he sat and began to eat. Kurt did not attempt to fill the silence and neither did Sebastian. This was just getting awkward.  
Kurt cleared his throat and Sebastian looked up.  
"What are you doing here in New York?"  
"School. I go to NYU." Sebastian replied  
"I thought you were a junior" Kurt replied, confused.  
Sebastian took a deep breath. "I was. But after the fiasco with the drugs thing, I managed to work my butt off with the headmaster to erase the black mark. I had already got really good marks and had finished my credits so I got in early."  
Kurt absorbed that. Of course he was no stranger to the warbler drama that had occurred under Clarington.  
"I heard that it was only some of the warblers who engaged in it."  
Sebastian narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Yes but it still reflects on the whole Warblers therefore everybody got punished"  
Kurt smiled at that. Even against everything, Kurt knew he could rely on his judgement. "I figured you being you, you would have wanted to win fair and square just so you could have the added bonus to rub it in our faces"  
Sebastian looked at him for a minute surprised and then laughed "got me figured eh Hummel?"  
Kurt felt a small smile creep on his lips. It felt weird, smiling.  
"So what about you?" Sebastian inquired  
Kurt opened his mouth to answer his usual reply but found that he couldn't. Sebastian Smythe was not one of his friends, hell, they were enemies and even when they had their truce Kurt was always suspicious of him. Maybe that is why Kurt did not find it in himself to placate Sebastian.  
"I'm dealing"  
Sebastian watched him for a moment and then shrugged, "that's all people can ask for I guess"  
Kurt had no reply to that.  
"You are wearing glasses" Sebastian then remarked  
"Yes..." Kurt said  
"Looks good" Sebastian said  
Kurt looked surprised for a moment and then regained his equilibrium "wow a compliment… excuse me if I don’t swoon"  
Sebastian simply smirked  
Looking at the time Kurt knew he had to leave. "As much as this conversation has moved me to the depths of my soul, I have to go"  
Sebastian somehow had magically procured a paper and a pen and was busy scribbling something down and then gave the paper to Kurt. "My phone number"  
"Why would I want your phone number?" Kurt asked  
"We are no longer enemies. I am at New York and so are you. We can hang out. Besides I am sure you need some boy company after living with girls huh princess?"  
Kurt spluttered, half in outrage at the other at him knowing that but Sebastian smoothly got up from the table and left. Not before giving a jaunty wave to Kurt. That jerk didn't even allow Kurt the pleasure of giving a dramatic exit. Damn!  
Kurt exited in a huff but felt a small smile creep on his face again  
The paper felt light in his hands

“And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.” ― Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey Kurt. How's New York?" Burt asked.  
Kurt twisted his body in the bed with one hand on the phone and replied "New York is good... Busy. What about you?"  
There was a small sigh and Burt's voice sounded slightly heavier, "There are good days and bad days son. But we are ok."  
Kurt swallowed heavily. He was an expert at pushing grief away to deal with it on another day. But somehow, when he is on the phone with his dad it seemed to rush back.  
"How's Carole?"  
Burt sighed, more heavily this time. "She is dealing. Kid, it is a tough time for all of us. Sam has been a god send. So when are you coming home?"  
"Dad I can't. There are too many memories and I don't want to bring any problems for Carole"  
Kurt knew Carole loved him. But he also knew that Finn's death was still raw for everyone and Kurt's arrival would only bring unpleasant memories.  
"That isn't..."  
"Hey uncle Burt do you mind if I talk to Kurt for a minute?"  
There was a scuffle and soon enough, the light baritone voice of Sam could be heard. "Hey Kurt"  
"Hey Sam. How are you doing?"  
"I'm doing ok. I figured you might want to know about the recent gossips of Lima"  
Kurt felt a rush of affection for Sam. He knew exactly what to say to divert the topic. "Give it to me"  
Sam began telling him all the epic drama of the glee club. The showdown with the two new divas Marley and Kitty (Rachel and Quinn reboot indeed) and all the devastation that coach Sylvester leaves at their wake in school. Looks like coach still has the evil Nazi regime personality down to the t. For some strange reason, Kurt is almost relieved by that.  
"By the way, Blaine is pining and has now redirected his attention to me"  
That perks Kurt up. "Pining? Really?"  
Sam hums and replies "he still believes that you are his fire, his one desire, the cherry to his ..."  
"Ok" Kurt says loudly. "Move on"  
Sam chuckles a little and continues "and because his pitch for reconciliation has been dashed to the ground his attention has been roaming and is now orbiting around me. He thinks he is being very discreet"  
"Ha." Kurt snorts. "I know Blaine. He would not know discreet till it bites him in the butt. Exhibit A, the gap incident"  
"Hmm…” Sam intones agreeing.  
"Sam, you know why I said no right?"  
After breaking up, Kurt had come to Lima to attend Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury’s wedding and he had got together with Blaine briefly. But that was when he realized that the spark that they once had was just not there. He had lost trust in Blaine and just because he forgave him does not mean Kurt could forget it. And after Finn's death Kurt honestly had no interest in renewing their romantic relationship.  
"Yeah" Sam assured Kurt quietly. "I know why Kurt. Don't worry I support your decision."  
Kurt smiled, knowing that Sam cannot see it. "Thanks Sam"  
"Anytime bro. And don't be a stranger to me. If you can't call, shoot me a text, Kay?"  
"Yeah. Bye"  
Kurt disconnected the call and lay down on the bed exhausted. Kurt knew that he was just going through the mechanics of life. But knowing is one thing and changing it is another. Being numb still allows Kurt the time to wallow and not deal with the frightening prospect of healing. He had lost his mom and then moved on and now he has lost Finn. Just because life has moved on does not mean Kurt has to. His phone buzzed. He opened it.

From: unknown number  
Hey princess, meet me at the usual place at 4.00 p.m. I suddenly feel the need to use you as a sounding board to vent my lack of life at. Cancel other appointments

Kurt snorted. Who does Sebastian think he is? Despite the fact that he had no plans, Kurt still felt the indignity of being treated like a dog who had to answer Sebastian's summons. As if. It was the principle of the thing really.

To: unknown number (condescending chipmunk)  
Figures that please is not part of your vocabulary meerkat. Enjoy your solo act

Kurt placed his cell phone away. He wondered what Sebastian would say now and not 2 seconds later his cell phone buzzed again. That was fast.

To: princess  
Food is on me

Well when he puts it like that, Kurt thought.

To: condescending chipmunk  
Fine

Kurt started to put his phone away again when he stopped at the realization that while he did have Sebastian's phone number in his bag he did not actually place him in the saved contacts. Yet he had no problem figuring out it was Sebastian and had not even bothered to ask. Kurt put that uneasy thought away. He could analyze it at a later date.


	6. Chapter 6

Kurt was tapping his pen rhythmically. He was at Starbucks finishing up one of his projects from Vogue, waiting for Sebastian. Kurt's mind was a little frayed and frustrated. One of his professors in his theatre class in NYADA had asked his students to come up with an emotional song that expresses their feelings. The worst part was that the professor had took Kurt aside and told him that while his voice was really good he was not allowing his emotions to come out. And since the project was worth 25% Kurt had to be sure to deliver.  
"Hey princess" Sebastian drawled. "You look washed out"  
Kurt raised an unimpressed eyebrow and snarled back "your astute observations are simply profound. Any other insights Mr. Holmes?"  
"Being compared to Cumberbatch is flattering Squeaky" Sebastian replied easily. "What's got your knickers in a twist?"  
"Firstly I don't have knickers, they are not fashionable and secondly, I am just stressing over one of my assignments due next week which I feel completely unprepared for"  
"NYADA right? Has something to do with music?"  
Kurt sighed heavily. "Our prof wants us to sing a song that speaks emotionally to us. I scrawled down all my choices and picked 2 from Ed Sheeran"  
"Nice choice" Sebastian said surprised  
"Surprise is not an attractive look on you Smythe"  
Sebastian ignored his scathing remark and asked "what are the 2 songs?"  
Kurt swallowed heavily and said "Lego house and give me love"  
Sebastian looked at him for a moment and said "your choice?"  
"Lego house"  
Kurt knew that ideally he should sing "give me love" but he knew that no matter how hard he practised the words will not come. It will get stuck in his throat and the memories will cloud his brains and he will break. He is not ready to sing that song - it hits too close to home.  
"Lego house is a good choice. What's wrong with it?"  
Kurt sighed frustrated. "I am supposed to be emotional. Emotions are not coming for me- no puns jerk"  
Sebastian opened his mouth and closed it. This is so far as Kurt had opened up to him about his state of affairs, thought Sebastian. Looking at Kurt's tired and closed off face Sebastian believed it was not that Kurt was an ice queen even though Sebastian had mocked him for it, Kurt seemed to be feeling so much that he has locked that away.  
"Sing" Sebastian demanded  
"What?" Kurt asked confused  
"Sing Lego house here. Right now"  
"Wh-why?" Kurt demanded trying to see if he could decipher Sebastian's expression. But Sebastian's face was indecipherable. "C'mon princess, if you need the practise you might as well sing it here"  
Kurt looked around. Heck, this was New York. No one had enough time to hear his singing, least of all care. He took a deep breath

_I'm gonna pick up the pieces_   
_And build a Lego House_   
_If things go wrong we can knock it down_

Kurt's voice which was light and high began to falter as Kurt was struggling to not go down memory's lane. He had remembered the fun days during summer when Finn and he were acting like children

_Hey Kurt, let's build a Lego house_   
_Finn, we are too old for this_   
_Nah, dude we are never old for a Lego house_   
_Don't call me dude Finn_

All off a sudden, Kurt was returned to reality when he heard Sebastian's strong voice singing  
 _My three words have two meanings,_  
 _There is one thing on my mind_  
 _It's all for you_

Kurt stared at Sebastian's eyes. He did not look at Kurt pityingly or with sympathy. Just a simple understanding - like at the cemetery. Kurt suddenly found the strength to sing the next line

_And it's dark in a cold December, but I have got you to keep me warm_

Sebastian didn't miss a beat  
 _If you're broken I will mend you and I will keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now_

Kurt felt something warm spread though his chest. It felt a lot like gratitude. He and Sebastian sang in harmony

_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love_   
_I'll pick you up when you are getting down_   
_And out of all these things I have done, I think I love you better now_   
_I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind_   
_I'll do it all for you in time_   
_And out of all these things I have done, I think I love you better now_

If any New Yorker had cared to pause for a moment they will marvel at the beautiful harmony between a high registered counter tenor and a deep baritone voice. After the song, Kurt put his head down and keeping his blinking eyes away from Sebastian. Sebastian may never know it (probably best if he didn't) but he has done something. He has filled Kurt with new memories to attach this song to. He has also made Kurt able to sing again.

"Not bad Princess. Alt-" Sebastian stopped himself when Kurt looked up and smiled at him. Kurt will never know this but what Sebastian saw was something that for the first time in his life made Sebastian's heart seize.

Kurt was smiling, with tears in his eyes and his cheeks pink. Not a single drop fell out of his eyes but Sebastian could see them there very clearly. And that smile, it was not sad but it was not happy either. At that moment to Sebastian, Kurt looked like a fallen angel - beautiful and heart breaking

"Thank you Sebastian"


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey Kurt. Mind if I join?"

Kurt turns around to see Rachel. He was sitting on the roof, watching the New York night life. New York was beautiful during the night. Kurt usually used to go up the roof during his introspective time or missing Blaine time. Now he is in the roof just because.

Rachel sits next to him and gazes at New York. Kurt side glances her. New York life suits her: after Kurt had given her a makeover when she first arrived Rachel went to NYADA with all the enthusiasm and determination that got her through high school. Now, after Finn it seems Rachel is going full throttle: all or nothing.

"You seem to be doing much better now" Rachel commented.

Kurt looked at her puzzled

"I mean you seemed to have no life within you Kurt. You may think Santana and I didn't see it but we did. We gave you space not because you needed it but because whatever we tried did not seem to work"

Kurt hummed

"I suppose I have Sebastian to thank" Rachel ended wryly.

Kurt snorted.

"How are you managing?" Kurt asked Rachel.

Rachel smiled sadly "what do you think?"

Kurt did not know what to say in reply. So he asked "do you regret it? Do you regret everything that happened between you and…”

"No I don't. It hurts Kurt but I don't. "

"How are you able to move on?"

Rachel smiled at him bitterly. "I have to Kurt. I left him in Lima to pursue my dreams of being a Broadway star. If I quit now then there would be nothing. I would have lost him for nothing"

Kurt couldn't see it but he knew Rachel was crying so he pulled her too him as she tried to stifle her tears. She had loved Finn - she had loved Finn so much. And Finn had loved her too.

"Sebastian made me sing again" Kurt told Rachel softly.

Rachel looked up at him glassy eyes surprised.

"I don't know what to make of him really. Rachel... After Finn, I felt like the world was moving while I am still and that is how it should be. Now, slowly... I am beginning to move and I think... I think Sebastian is moving me to heal"

_Hey Kurt, I think you should it_

_Really?_

_Yeah man. Everyone needs a story for them to dream, for their imagination._

_Do you think I can do it?_

_Dude, you're Kurt Hummel my baby bro._

_Nothing can stand in your way_

 

A parchment on the paper, the ink not drying

The signal of an ending, the dawn to a beginning

"Once upon a time" - Kurt Hummel


End file.
